I just cannot write this post tonight! I have been wading in the pool of insecurity and I don't want anyone to see me in my bathing suit ofshame.
Shame that I succumbed to all that I am trying to change - the notion that a woman is only valuable if she looks good.
This is not supposed to get harder! But when I was reminded that my company had planned a big social event for the office today, suddenly I found myself trying to weasel out of going. "I've been really busy, I just need a night at home" I told myself but I knew deep inside that there was no way I wanted to be in a social setting with my "fresh" face. Because today my face felt less "fresh" and more seriously lacking in makeup. But a coworker challenged me saying that this is what it's all about. Easy for her to say, she "forgot" about NMM and put makeup on this morning!
I mean, I think I'm pretty cool. I'm smart, super funny, inspiring, creative and I can belt out a broadway tune like nobody's business. But tonight all I could think was "why did I start this stupid thing?! Somebody please give me some makeup!". Now I didn't completely fail. I still managed to put myself out there. I engaged in some great conversations, cracked some jokes, yet all the while I kept hearing the sound track of inadequacy playing softly in the background. Tonight the only thing that mattered was what I thought everyone else might be thinking of me.
And yet, having just written that I'm reminded of something I have heard at various points in my life in various forms. I've selected David Foster Wallace's take on it -
"You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do"
How egotistical can you get, really? Thinking that someone is spending every moment thinking about me. Truth is, most people are just thinking of the next thing that's coming out of their mouth and if i just shut off my own inner monologue and listen to what they have to say I just might find out that there are far more interesting things to listen to then the old worn out lie of a story that plays in my head.
Like the story of a guy who was working on his own out in the field and got his pinky caught in some equipment and when he realized that he was on his own and no help would be coming he decided to "free" himself from said pinky using a friggin' credit card!!!! Now that's something worth hearing about and is definitely another article in the making....but not for this blog :)
No comments:
Post a Comment